By Marc Couriol
After nine months of carrying a child to term and then being the primary source of the newborn baby’s nourishment, mothers generally have no difficulty bonding with their babies. Plus, there is that whole maternal instinct thing, which makes many new mothers reluctant to leave their babies’ side for the first few weeks. But while the mother-baby bond is extremely important, the bond between father and child must not be overlooked, and forming a bond during these early stages of a child’s life can be crucial.
Encouraging the daddy-baby bond starts during pregnancy. When carrying a child, a mother feels every kick and knows that everything she does to her body will also directly affect the child. Because the father does not have the same closeness, the coming baby may not feel quite as real. That is why it is crucial to make sure that the father is closely involved in the pregnancy and birthing process. He may not ever feel that intimate, bodily bond with the baby, but being active in the pregnancy will at least keep it front and center in his mind.
Then, after the baby is born, the father may feel like a third wheel as the mother nurses the baby. In many cases, this can cause the dad to withdraw and leave many of the other parenting tasks to the mother. One way to help foster the daddy-child bond is to make sure you leave many of the non-nursing things to the dad. For example, let him do the burping, the diaper-changing, the baby massage, and a lot of the holding. Even if the bond is not strong at first, allowing him to do these things will help it grow.
In many cases, fathers simply need a little time. As much as we cherish our newborn babies, the fact is that they do not do much during the first few months. During the lead-up to a new baby, while most mothers are looking forward to simply being mothers, fathers tend to think more about things like talking to their children, educating their kids, and eventually maybe throwing the ball around. In other words, fathers tend to look forward to the exciting things that come later on, and these very early stages of being a parent can feel more like work.
One way to get around this is to encourage the dad to master the skills involved with being a new parent. Many men enjoy being the best at what they do, and even if things like changing diapers are not exactly fun, the dad can still get some enjoyment out of becoming skilled and excelling at these things.
Plus, there are some daddy skills that actually have tangible rewards-for example, getting the baby to stop crying or making her smile. Once the daddy realizes that he can be not just a good father but a great one, he will feel much more motivated to be involved, and a strong bond can grow out of this.
Finally, new dads all too often feel that they are not the ones in charge of deciding how the baby should be cared for, which makes them keep their distance and take a smaller role. This “mommy knows best” syndrome is deeply rooted in our culture, and even young, forward-thinking parents often fall into it. The key to reversing this problem is for both parents to keep the lines of communication open and to stay aware of how they are approaching their parenting. You do not have to discuss every little thing, but it is important for the dad to feel that his views carry equal weight.