Not all mothers feel an overwhelming rush of love when they first hold their baby and look into their eyes. They should not feel alone if they do not instantly connect with their newborn baby. Sometimes after a difficult birth, feeling exhausted and possibly being in pain a new mother can feel a bit resentful of the traumatic experience she has just had to endure. Sometimes bonding with their baby can take time but she must relax, it will happen. There are some things that can happen that can cause the bonding process to be delayed, such as:
- Being under stress because of difficulties in the relationship with the father of the baby
- The baby being taken away very quickly for medical attention
- The baby being put into an intensive care unit immediately
- Finding that something is wrong
- Having problems with breast feeding
- Someone close dying
It is very important that the new mother does not feel guilty about this feeling of not being close and bonded to the baby. Often, she will not be able to really pinpoint why she feels this way. She should not label herself a ‘bad mother’ if she experiences this feeling. She has just been through a very traumatic experience, her life has completely changed and she needs time to recover and adjust. What is crucial is that she does keep spending time with the baby with as much physical contact as possible as this is required for the bonding process to happen. Also, these following tips can help:
- Reduce the amount of visitors you have so that you have more quality time with your baby
- Make sure you have lots of sleep because exhaustion can make you feel stressed and irrational
- Make lots of eye contact with your baby which makes him feel secure
- Have lots of cuddles with your baby
- Carry your newborn baby in a sling because it keeps you close together
- Talk and sing to your baby
- Play with your baby
- Massage your baby gently
- You can try ‘kangaroo care’ which is when you hold your baby to your bare chest as this encourages the feeling of closeness that you need. It is often used with mothers of premature babies because it is thought to encourage breast milk production
Your baby will not suffer if you do not have an instantly strong bond when he is born, as long as you take care of his basic needs, maintain lots of physical contact and cuddle him regularly.
If this is not your first baby you may be surprised that you feel differently this time. Remember that each of one of your children is unique as is your relationship with each one. Give yourself time to love their different qualities and personalities. Encourage your other children to help you as this will help the bonding process with their new sibling as they will feel important in their role as an older brother or sister and this can nurture their loving and protective feelings.
If after a few weeks you still do not feel more attached to your newborn than you did on the day of the birth or you still feel resentful then you must speak to your doctor. Postnatal depression affects tens of thousands of women every year and is a very real illness. It delays the bonding process and so the longer you leave it the longer it can take to win back your baby’s trust.
By Eirian Hallinan